Newton’s recently appointed Chief of Police, David MacDonald, has announced that he has received numerous complaints this week about aggressive rafters of turkeys meandering along a path parallel to Newton’s western border with Wellesley and Needham. He noted also that the majority of Newton Police details, currently tied up with security measures to protect the Warren Administration as it prepares its annual budget, cannot be safely redeployed to patrol near the Charles River to stand against these nasty intruders. He further added that these areas are outside his jurisdiction and recommended that Newton residents should reach out to the DCR for assistance.

The three Neighborhood Area Councils of Ward 5 have decided to act independently by inviting all Newton citizens who are legally licensed to carry firearms, to meet at 9am Friday morning on Quinobequin Road at the intersection with Route 9 for the First Annual Newton Meat Shoot. In a stand for Ward solidarity, the Highlands Area Council, which is as yet turkey-free, joins its younger Council siblings in the Lowlands of the riverbank to rid the City of these mean scourges. The retired poultry will be roasted in Hemlock Gorge, at the site of the Feast of the Falls and offered to all hungry passersby on Friday at 5pm., rain or shine.

Residents are asked to bring their own shotguns and to keep them empty of cartridges until they are assigned by the Area Councilors to their positions along Ellis and Quinobequin Roads. Shotguns will be provided to those who do not own them and shooters are asked to bring only #5 shot because the distance from Road to river is no more than 35 yards and this will reduce chances of broken teeth at the meal. Cartridges will also be available at Police Headquarters for $4 apiece beginning at 6am on Friday. Residents of Wellesley and Needham have been notified to evacuate the immediate riverbank until 2pm since all weapons will be kept pointing west to ensure the safety of Newton residents.

Volunteers are needed to dress the poultry and prepare the game and mashed potatoes. Cranberry sauce and peas optional. Contact Jerry Really ([email protected]) if you are interested.

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