OK, I know I’m playing with dynamite with this one, but I think the scab needs to be picked and the cut re-sanitized and allowed to heal properly!

As anyone who knows me would agree, I am no shrinking violet! I speak out and express my opinions even when they are dissonant with others’ perceptions of a given problem. Nonetheless, my parents long, long ago, instilled in me a very strong sense of propriety and kindness and a desire to avoid angry confrontation.

No, I am not going to rant about the Election or who might be sitting in the White House next year. Why? Because today I encountered a dreadful bind that might prevent me from living that long.

I understand statistics. I appreciate a rational and scientific approach to deciphering the world’s unknowns, from attempts to moderate the rate of climate change to finding efficacious vaccines for Covid-19. Therefore, since I am OLD (see, I said it) and have several co-morbidities, I have been very careful to remain away from the world-at-large.

I have been staying almost exclusively inside my house since mid-March. My short forays outside of my house are mostly to walk loops in my backyard, to walk, masked, along the Greenway in Upper Falls, to do touchless curbside pick-up of fresh fish and bakery goods, to meet some friends in my back yard…on chairs spread 12 feet apart with masks on and speaking at full volume to compensate for hearing and lip-reading losses and to visit medical specialists who work to help me prolong my lifeline.

I know about societies where the “elders” mysteriously leave on ice floes when they can no longer capture the food sources necessary for the group’s existence, achieving a perceived summum bonum. I also know about societies where the elderly are revered as existential intelligence depositories necessary to lead to the group’s survival. I understand that neither path followed blindly makes sense.

Today, I needed to venture out to a necessary outdoor meeting to discuss an important matter. There were six of us and we were all wearing masks. As we began, I announced that we needed to be six feet apart. After about 5 minutes, we were all 3 feet apart. I asked if we could spread out a bit. In the next few minutes, we were back in the three-foot circle. Worse, one of the people next to me was wearing the mask below the nostrils. I was closed in by a bench and a flower bed and unable to socially distance. I announced that I was freezing (true), that I was concerned that I would catch Covid disease (also true), excused myself and left.

If I, who am quite self-assertive, cannot find a way to comfortably cajole fellow humans to abandon their unconcerned behavior and to exhibit respectful, caring behavior, what can other vulnerable souls do?

I am hoping for a script you can suggest for the future, before vaccines unlock my sequestration, so that I may eschew Doom when it is not feasible to meet on Zoom. Please offer your suggestions for acceptable verbal ammunition and please put my newly minted paraphrase (below) to shame with your humorous or otherwise effective, but polite ideas.  

“A TISKET, A TASKET. WON’T YOU DISTANCE AND PROPERLY MASK IT…BEFORE I END UP INSIDE A CASKET?”